Hermione's Humps
by serendipities
Summary: Ron's going out with Lavender. Hermione's not happy. Hermione seeks revenge. MAJOR OOCness and a bit of AUness as well. I'm warning you now.
1. Revenge is Sweet

Hermione Granger sat on the couch, arms and legs crossed and eyes narrowed, and watched her best (or rather, _ex_-best) friend and Lavender Brown kiss very, um, enthusiastically. And right in front of her, no less. Now, if Hermione was a normal best friend, she wouldn't have cared whom Ron swapped saliva with. But because she's not a normal best friend, the sight made her mad.

No, not just mad. She was downright pissed. And disturbed. She was _pisturbed_. In fact, she was so pisturbed that she didn't even notice how out of control the party became, what with the Firewhiskey and the like. If she did, the party would be pooped before you can even say "Huh?" Instead, she was too busy calling Ron every obscenity in the book. She even made some up, just for good measure.

Bastard. Shittard, she thought-cursed. Son of a- no, I won't call him that. I like his mum. Urgh, I hate him so much! 

_No you don't, _contradicted another voice in Hermione's head. It sounded suspiciously like Ginny. _You luuurve him. _

_Honestly, _Hermione thought. _How can I like someone who always succeeds in making me feel so horrible? How can I like someone who always fights with me?_

The voice brushed it off. _Oh, that's just sexual tension. _

Hermione was disgusted. _I won't even comment on that._

_Ok, you don't like him. So why do you hate him so much? _inquired the voice.

'_Cos he's with Lavender. _Hermione thought it before she thought about it. She instantly took it back.

_Ah, so you do like him, _said the voice superiorly.

_I didn't say that._

_You implied it. _

_Did not._

_Did too._

_Did not, did not._

_Did too, did too, did TOO!_

_Did not, did not, OK FINE!_

If Hermione was arguing with herself about her relationship with Ron, then she really had no hope.

_I like him, ok! _Hermione shrieked in her head._ Even though he makes me sick and aggravates me so much, I like him. Now would you go away!_

_Yes, _said Ginny's voice. And it went away.

Hermione looked back at Ron and Lavender. They were still at it. She looked away for about a minute. She looked back again. They were _still_ at it. Hermione couldn't take it anymore.

_I have got to get out of here, _thought Hermione.

As Hermione was got up to leave, of all people to come by with drinks and sit down next to her was none other than Ginny herself.

"Oh, boy," Hermione sighed.

"Here, I thought you could use some butterbeer," Ginny said, handing her a bottle. "And sit back down; I need someone sane to talk to."

Hermione sat back down, grabbed the bottle and took a long swig.

"Thanks, but I doubt this will help get rid of my urge to vomit," said Hermione, sourly, as she took another swig.

"I know, they are revolting, aren't they?" Ginny said, looking the direction of Ron and Lavender. "God, he's such a hypocrite. D'you know just a few days ago he went ballistic because he caught me and Dean? I've noticed they haven't stopped for breath once. Of course, this _is _Wonniekins's first kiss from someone outside the family, so I guess he doesn't want to miss anything."

"Ginny, please," Hermione begged as she put a hand to her stomach.

"Oh, sorry," Ginny said, smirking slightly. "I forgot you fancy him. For reasons I shall never know…" She trailed off, shaking her head.

"I do not…" Hermione hesitated. What was the point? "Am I that obvious?"

"Yes," Ginny replied. "But don't worry; Ron's git-like tendencies make him totally oblivious about your dirty little secret."

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways, he obviously doesn't feel the same," said Hermione, bitterly.

"Rubbish, he fancies the pants off you," Ginny assured her. "He just doesn't seem to know it."

"Well, I think sometimes he knows it," said Hermione slowly. She thought back to the Herbology lesson they had a few days ago and rapidly proceeded to tell Ginny about the conversation of Slughorn's party. "After I tell him I was planning on asking him, he sounded all eager. So, obviously, I was under the impression he likes me back. But now the arsewipe is exchanging saliva with that stupid bimbo."

Ginny was surprised yet pleased. "Arsewipe" and "bimbo" are words she would typically use. _Yes! _Ginny thought. _Six years with the Weasley foul-mouths has finally paid off_.

"Well the only reason I can think of for my brother's stupid behavior," said Ginny, "is because he's trying to make you jealous."

"Yeah, that thought crossed my mind, too," said Hermione. "But I didn't do anything to make him want to make me jealous."

Ginny suddenly remembered more details about the time when Ron caught her with Dean. Uh oh…

"Uh, Hermione," she began apologetically. "Ron's idiotic behavior might be partly my fault. When he caught me with Dean and went crazy, I was pissed off and told him how he's acting childish 'cos he hadn't kissed anyone yet. And then I kinda mentioned how you kissed Krum." The last bit was said pretty fast.

Hermione caught every word, though. "What? Why the hell did you tell him that? Plus, I didn't kiss Viktor, he kissed me. And I never even liked him like that. Well, not really."

"I know. I'm really sorry," Ginny mumbled, shamefaced.

Hermione sighed. "Eh, don't worry about it. I also had something to do with it. I said something and Ron thought– thought being the operative word– I called him a crap seeker. Long story." Hermione added when she saw Ginny raise her eyebrows. "So Ron's stupid male ego was hurt and this is how he retaliated."

There was a moment silent and then Hermione let out a growl. "God, he's such a jerk. Why did I fall for him?"

"Sometimes we can't help who we fall for," Ginny sighed sympathetically while involuntarily gazing a certain messy-haired someone who definitely was not Dean. Hermione noticed that she recently has starting doing this again. She rolled her eyes.

"Ginny, snap out of it," Hermione said, waving her hands in front of Ginny's face. "I'll help you with your predicament if you help me with mine."

Ginny snapped out of her reverie and blushed as she realized what Hermione meant. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're talking about."

Hermione grinned for a second and then got a decisive look on her face. "You know what we need to do? We need–"

What they needed became unknown as a crumpled up piece of parchment interrupted Hermione and hit her head. After yelling "Whoever threw this is in huge trouble, I'm a prefect!", Hermione smoothed out the piece of paper and saw that it was a flyer of some sort. In a messy scrawl, it read:

Do you love to sing and dance? Are you talented in singing and dancing? Are you hot? Can you be appealing to your fellow classmates? If all these apply to you, thencome try out to open for the first ever Hogwarts Talent Show. Tryouts areSunday, November 24th in the Great Hall at 3 PM sharp.See you there!

Underneath that was a picture of a scantily clad Celestina Warbeck, dancing rather provocatively. Obviously the organizers of this little do are of the male variety. _Tryouts are next week, _Hermione thought as a plan formulated in her head. A slow smile spread across her face. _Ha! Ron, your arse is mine! _She finished what she was trying to say before she was rudely interrupted by this wonderful flyer. "We need to get payback."

Ginny was excited. She loved the prospect of revenge. "I know that grin. It's the Ron-your-arse-is-mine grin. What are you thinking? Oh, I know! You should get with Seamus 'cos Lavender just dumped him in the beginning of the year. He's so desperate now he'd hook up with anybody. Not saying that he'd have to be desperate to hook up with you." At the look from Hermione, Ginny added the last part fairly quickly.

Hermione, who was still glaring, said, "No, just getting one person won't do any good. We've got to surpass Ron, not get even with him. I'm thinking the entire male population of Hogwarts."

Ginny was horrified. "Hermione, please tell me you're not thinking of becoming the school Scarlet Woman."

"Oh, God no," Hermione said. "I won't be hooking up with anyone. I'll just _hook _them, if you know what I mean." She showed Ginny the flyer and told her the deal.

After Ginny heard the plan, she was astonished. "Hermione, you're a genius."

Hermione smiled smugly. "I know I am."

"I'm surprised at you, Hermione. I didn't think you'd actually do something this…well, ya know. Sluttish."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Well, this might show people that I'm not the goody-goody they think I am. Besides, if I were in a normal state, I'd be caught dead before doing something like this. But desperate times call for desperate measures."

"So what song are you planning to use?" Ginny asked. Hermione doesn't know much about wizard music and she can't possibly learn a song by tomorrow. "Are you doing a Muggle song?"

Hermione hadn't thought about. She took that moment to think about it. After a few moments of thinking, she thought of the Black Eyed Peas, a musical group that was immensely popular in the Muggle world. She remembered one song that was constantly played on the radio. She smiled, recalling the lyrics. It was simply perfect for her plan. "Well, there is this one song…"


	2. What's up with Hermione?

Disclaimer: Oops, I just realized that I forgot to put a disclaimer on the first chappie. I'm still not used to actually publishing something, seeing as before I would just crumple it up (well, delete it, as no one really _writes_ anything anymore) labeling it "a truck load of crap." Flamers, please do not respond to that statement. Anyways, on to the disclaimer:

Now if I were really JK Rowling, would I be writing fanfics about slutty Hermione?

* * *

The next day, Hermione made sure that everything went back to normal. When Ron came down for breakfast (late, as usual), Hermione greeted him as she would usually do, hoping that he wouldn't still be grudging. He wasn't and greeted her the same way. In fact, he confused by the fact that _she_ wasn't grudging. 

The minute Ron sat down, Lavender hurled herself at him. Ron saw that Hermione didn't even flinch during her conversation with Ginny. Although he never would admit this out loud, Ron was going out with Lavender for only two reasons:

a) she was hot and  
b) to get a rise out of Hermione

So, even while he was preoccupied, Ron wondered about Hermione's indifferent attitude. But he didn't really get a chance mull over it. He went from _What's with her? _to _Damn, Lavender's a good kisser._

However, Ron wasn't the only one who noticed Hermione's unresponsiveness toward Ron. Harry did, too. Only he _did_ get to mull over it. Later during Quidditch practice, Harry pulled Ginny aside before heading out to the field.

"Ok, what's the deal with Hermione?" Harry demanded.

"Well, Harry, you're her one of her best friends, you should know," Ginny began, innocently. "She's a Muggle born who is the best witch in her year. She was born on September nineteenth–"

Harry interrupted her. "Cut the crap, Ginny. You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I don't," Ginny said sweetly.

Harry groaned. Even though he liked Ginny, she can be so damn annoying sometimes.

"I'll put it simply," said Harry slowly. He proceeded to explain using much gesticulation and cave man language. "Hermione like Ron. Ron like Hermione. But Ron be dumb-arse and he snog Lavender. Hermione supposed to be mad. Hermione not mad. Harry want to know why."

"Fine, I'll tell you," Ginny laughed. "In reality, Hermione's livid. But she's acting like she's ok with it 'cos she's got this plan up her sleeve. A plan to make Ron crawling on his knees, begging for mercy."

Harry was intrigued. "May I know of this plan?"

"Ah, no can do, Harry," Ginny replied, shaking her head. "Hermione has sworn me to secrecy. I shouldn't have even told you about her having a plan. I only told you 'cos I like you." Ginny grinned up at Harry, almost flirtatiously. Harry smiled back and felt his stomach turn over again for the umpteenth time that year.

Ginny was suddenly serious. "You won't tell Ron, will you? 'Cos if you do, you know I will be after you're arse."

Harry put up his hands, as if surrendering. "I know, I'll be the receiving end of one of your Bat Bogey hexes. Besides, I'm on Hermione's side. I think Ron is acting like a total and complete blockhead about this."

Ginny grinned again. "Good for you, Potter. Maybe there's hope for you yet." There was a moment of companionable silence while both were discreetly checking each other out.

However, this moment was broken by Ron popping his head, yelling, "Oy! Hurry up. We're waiting for you both."

Ginny and Harry jumped, as if they were doing something illegal. They both blushed slightly, and Harry murmured an apology and headed out without a second look. Ginny grabbed her broomstick and started to follow Harry's lead but Ron grabbed her arm.

"Wait a while," Ron advised, "or else Thomas'll get suspicious if you and Harry came together. Speaking of Thomas, you should be happy that _I_ caught you and Harry staring at each other like that, instead of that half-arsed git."

Ginny yanked her arm out of his grasp. "It takes a half-arsed git to know one." And she walked away, leaving behind a confused Ron thinking, _What the hell did _I _do?_

_

* * *

I must be crazy to be thinking of doing this._

It was next week, time to audition. Hermione and Ginny were trudging down the Gryffindor steps to the Great Hall, Hermione three-quarters-wanting to go back to the Common Room.

"Hermione, chillax," Ginny advised. "You'll do great. And I'll be there, cheering you on."

"Yeah, whatever," Hermione said tersely. She felt like if she opened her mouth, her lunch would pour out.

"No, seriously," Ginny pressed on. "I _saw _your routine remember. It was kick-arse."

Hermione groaned. The rest of the walk was spent with Ginny reassuring Hermione with the latter feeling sicker each second. Finally, they reached the Great Hall.

"Here goes nothing," Hermione sighed as she pushed open the door.

* * *

"I made it!" 

Hermione barreled into the Great Hall during dinner the next day, her face brimming with happiness. People stared at her.

"Don't mind me," she singsonged and sat down next to Ginny, still grinning from ear to ear. Ginny took no time to match the look.

"All right, Hermione!" Ginny said.

"Made it in to what, Hermione?" Harry asked. Ron would've asked too, but he was too busy shoveling his face with food. Cheeks bulging, he just nodded and pointed at Harry, indicating that he wanted to know the same thing.

Hermione made a grossed-out face. "I tried out for the Hogwarts talent show and got in. You know, it was funny, but the judges seemed more eager in my performing than I am. They even made me the first act."

Hermione said the last part to see if Ron would react. And he did.

"Why wed dey–?" Ron began but thought better of it. He took a big gulp and started again. "And why were they so enthusiastic?"

"I dunno," Hermione shrugged. "I guess they really liked my performance." She waited to see what he would say next.

Unfortunately, he didn't say anything more because Lavender chose that exact moment to come to dinner. The minute she sat down, she and Ron began one of their infamous snogging sessions. Good thing he swallowed his food the second before.

Hermione just turned away and starting piling food on her plate. Even though they were all used to Ron and Lavender's behavior by now, Hermione was still felt a twinge of jealousy whenever she saw them together.

"See, I told you," Ginny pressed on. "You were easily the best. The others didn't even stand a chance. Well, the other performances were pretty bad but if they were good, you'd still be the best."

"Wait," Harry said. "Since when was Hogwarts doing a talent show? Hogwarts _never_ does things like that."

"Oh, honestly, Harry," Hermione sighed. "Don't you ever read the bulletin board in the common room? It's been there for weeks. The Entertainment Committee thought it would be nice to have a social event, with the war and everything."

"Oh, I didn't know we had an Entertainment Committee," mused Harry. Then he shrugged. "Anyways, what song are you doing?"

"You know the Black Eyed Peas song that has a, um, sort of awkward title?" Hermione asked uncomfortably.

Harry took a moment to think about it. What Black Eyed Peas song has an awkward title? He suddenly had a vivid memory of Dudley singing something about his "lovely lady lumps" and started to snigger uncontrollably.

"Why the hell–" he started but was cut off with a sort of a sucking sound. It seemed as if Ron had something to say.

"Since when have you been interesting in singing?" he asked suspiciously.

Hermione shrugged again. "I have always been musical. Ever since I was little, I took dance and voice lessons."

Lavender tried to redirect his attention back on her, but attempts were futile. Ron was still staring at Hermione, still suspicious. "You've never told us that."

Suddenly, Hermione felt rather annoyed with the third degree. "Well, you don't tell me everything that goes on in your life. Why should I tell you everything that goes on in mine?" And with a huff, she left the table.

Ron, as always, was confused. He looked at Harry, who just grinned and mouthed the letters "PMS." Unfortunately, Ginny saw him and smacked him playfully but hard on his arm. Ron grinned and turned back to Lavender.

* * *

AN: I was randomly looking through HBP, on page 314 I read, "Harry was left to ponder in silence the depths to which girls would sink to get revenge." Ha ha, funny, no? 

Review, por favor.


	3. Of Break Ups and MakeUp

Disclaimer: Saying that I'm JK Rowling is like saying that Bush is a competent president. And to clarify things, Bush is NOT a competent president.

* * *

"Harry! What are you doing here? Are you starting homework that's due next week?"

Harry looked up from the hideously difficult essay for Snape to see Ron sitting in front of him, looking stunned.

Harry shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, well, you know how Hermione's always saying it's much better to finish homework first and then relax later. I've decided to give it a try."

This had some partial truth to it. Hermione had said this numerable times. But it was actually Ginny who persuaded him to start his homework early. Just in not so many words. Harry witnessed Dean get a thorough Weasley scolding when he neglected to finish his homework in time to take Ginny out on their promised date.

"Forget about me," said Harry. "What are _you_ doing here?"

This time it was Ron's turn to look uncomfortable. "Oh. Well, I figured it would be the last place Lavender would come to look for me."

This statement confused Harry. "Are you avoiding her?"

"Well, yeah," said Ron. "It's just that...every time I turn, she's there. And every time she's there, she wants to snog. I'm telling you, cannot breathe properly anymore. I just need a few minutes where no one's calling me 'Won-won'"

Harry chuckled, which caused Ron to glare. "I'm sorry, mate. I'm not laughing at you."

"Anyways," Ron continued, "I think I wanna finish it with her."

Harry was not surprised. "Okay."

"Okay?" said Ron. "That's all you have to say?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "You were bound to get tired of her one of these days. Besides, your plan was backfiring anyways."

"What are you talking about?" asked Ron, even though he knew perfectly well what Harry was talking about. He just didn't want Harry to know that he knew perfectly well what Harry was talking about. Although Harry did know that Ron knew perfectly well what he was talking about, so Ron's attempts were pretty much useless.

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about," said Harry. "The only reason you went out with Lavender is to make Hermione jealous and make some dumb point about how you could get any girl you want, even though we all know that the only girl you want is Hermione."

"I do not–" began Ron, until he realized denying it was useless. "Yeah, you're right. God, if I didn't say yes when Lavender asked me out, I could be snogging Hermione instead of Lavender. I'm such an idiot."

Harry snorted. "You _just_ found that out?"

Ron ignored his comment. "Harry, help me. How do I break up with her?"

"Easy," replied Harry. "Just say 'Lavender, I think you're a slaggy ho and I wanna break up.'"

"Harry, that's not funny," said Ron as Harry sniggered. "I've hinted at breaking up but it seems she just clings on tighter. I just don't wanna hurt her."

"I know," said Harry, suddenly serious. "But you need to break up soon or she'll become unbearable. It'll blow over eventually. In fact, here's your chance."

Before Ron knew what was happening, he felt a pair of feminine hands cover his eyes and a voice whisper, "Guess who, Won-won?" in his ear.

"Hey Lavender," Ron said resignedly.

Lavender removed her hands and took the seat next to Ron's. "How'd you know it was me?"

Ron stared at her like she was crazy. "Lavender, are you serious?"

Harry laughed and Ron glared once more. "I'm sorry, I'm intruding. I'll just go."

Ron started to protest but with a "Good luck, mate," Harry took his leave.

Lavender stared at Ron curiously. "What did he mean by 'good luck'? Whatever, who cares. He's gone and now we can do this."

Lavender leaned in and gave Ron a nice, long smooch. Ron sighed against her mouth but it wasn't a ooh-this-feels-so-good kind of sigh. It was more of a this-has-gotten-kinda-boring sigh. After a few moments, Ron pulled away.

"Lavender," said Ron, "I don't think Madame Pince would like it if she caught us snogging in the library."

"We could go to your dorm room, if you'd like," said Lavender grinning. "I don't think anyone's in there."

"Uh, no," said Ron, surprising Lavender. No one's ever turned her down before. "Why don't we do something other than snogging and... the like?"

Lavender wriggled her nose. "What can be better than snogging?"

"Oh, I dunno," said Ron. "We could have a nice, intellectual conversation?"

"You? Intellectual conversation?" Lavender snickered. But she looked apologetic when Ron had a slightly hurt expression. "I'm sorry. What would you like to talk about?"

"You pick the topic," suggested Ron.

"Let's talk about," Lavender took a moment to think, "Fashion! Omigod, me and Parvati were looking through _Witch Weekly_ and I saw the cutest dress robes. They were a gorgeous lilac color and had gold trimmings. However, it cost a fortune, about 250 galleons. But I did the see the most adorable shoes..."

_Having some one shoot you with the Cruciatus Curse twelve million times couldn't be half as bad as this, _thought Ron as Lavender rambled on and on about the most inane things.

"...like, ever. Ron, what do you think?"

"Erm," Ron hesitated. What the hell was she talking about? "I think it's awesome."

Apparently Ron chose the right answer because Lavender just said, "Exactly" and continued her gossip.

"...But I think she's totally lying. By the way Ron, are you going to the talent show tomorrow night?"

"Huh?" Ron zoned out once again. "Oh yeah, I kinda have to. Hermione would expect me to show support."

"Oh, I heard Hermione Granger was performing. Is it true?" Her voice was disbelieving.

"Yeah, she's dancing. Why?" asked Ron defensively. "You don't think she has talent?"

"Chill, I didn't say that," said Lavender. "It's just...I didn't think she does anything else other than studying. She's always seemed sort of, I dunno, square."

Ron had the final straw. Her constant presence, her irritating obsession with gossip and fashion and her underestimation of his intelligence were all horrible enough but Ron found that he could not stand it if Lavender insulted Hermione in front of him.

"Lavender," began Ron hesitatingly. "I have something to tell you."

"Okay," said Lavender. "Shoot."

Ron took a deep breath. "I think we should break up."

Lavender looked shocked for a moment and then laughed. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right."

_This is not going to go well, _thought Ron.

"If you heard, 'We should break up,'" said Ron cautiously, "then you heard right. But it's not you. It's me. I mean, in the beginning, you were great. And the snogging was terrific. But after a while, we've sort of drifted apart. I'm sorry, Lavender." He added when he saw the stung and disbelieving expression on Lavender's face.

Suddenly Lavender's expression turned to one of anger. "Wait a minute. Is this because of what I said about Hermione Granger?"

Ron cringed. "Well, it sort of triggered my decision."

Lavender let out a derisive laugh. "I can't believe I'm being dumped for another woman."

"No, Lavender," said Ron quickly and desperately. "Seriously, it's not like that. I'm not dumping you for someone else. I've just gotten tired of you."

When Ron realized what he had said, he instantly regretted it. Lavender's eyes blazed as she said, "You know what, Ron? It's not you who's ending it, it's me. You hear that? _I'm_ dumping you, Ron Weasley!"

Lavender got up, huffing and muttering. Madame Pince threw her furious stares and shushes but no avail. Before heading out the door, Lavender turned and yelled, "Why don't you go and stick your head in a boiling vat of a Spot Removing Potion, you filthy prat!"

People were staring at Ron. He attempted to joke. "Well, I'd say, that went well."

_Oh, shite, _thought Ron. _I'll give it two hours max for the whole school to find out about this. _

_

* * *

_

"Parvati!" screamed Hermione. "You're pulling too hard!"

"Do you want to achieve Farge's look or not?" Ginny asked, looking up from the latest issue of _Witch Weekly_.

Hermione winced. "Yes but I don't want to be decapitated in the process. And her name is Fergie. Ow!"

"There," said Parvati as she made the final yank on Hermione's ponytail. "Now, on to your make up."

"But make it look subtle," Hermione tried to say through puckered lips as Parvati smeared lip gloss onto them. "Almost as if I don't have any on at all."

"Right," said Parvati as she applied sparkly blue eye shadow onto Hermione's eyelids.

After a few minutes, Parvati stepped back to admire her handiwork. She grinned. "Hermione, darling, you look sexy."

Hermione looked into the mirror, brow furrowed. "I believe I said subtle."

"Oh come on, Hermione," said Ginny putting down the magazine. "Stop being impossible."

"I'm sorry, Ginny," Hermione said sadly. "I just don't think I can do this."

"Oh no," Ginny said. "No, no. You're not backing out now. Not after all the practicing and all the scheming."

"But what about Lavender?" asked Hermione. "I mean, it would be very callous of me if I just hooked up with Ron right after they broke up just yesterday."

"Oh, don't worry about that," said Parvati. "Lavender told me that she couldn't care less who he hooks up with. In fact, she is already going out with Seamus. Again. Just don't tell her I did your make up. She'll go crazy."

"There you go," said Ginny. "Come on, Hermione. What's to lose?"

"Uh, my reputation," said Hermione obviously. "And now that I think about...Do I really want to do all this just to make your brother jealous? I don't think I really fancy your rude and abrasive brother. I mean, I did. But look at what he's put me through these past few weeks. These past few years even. No, I'm not going to do it."

"Hermione, stop shitting around," snapped Ginny. "Yeah, Ron's an arsehole but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. And you can't even pretend you don't care about him. Now, listen here and listen good. You are going to go out there. You will make all the blokes feel the horn for you and by the end of the night you will snog my brother. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, ok!" cried Hermione. "I'll do it! Sheesh, don't have cow!"

"Excellent," Ginny said, grinning. But then she looked confused. "Wait, what do you mean by 'don't have a cow?'"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's just an expression. I know. American expressions never make sense."

* * *

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	4. Hermione's Humps

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em.

AN: Thanks for all the fantabulous reviews. You guys really succeeded in making my ego huger than a dude with a big...um, yeah. Sorry I didn't update sooner. I was too busy failing my finals. Whatever, the important thing is school's over and I finally updated! Oh, before I stop talking, pretend that there is such thing as pop and rap in the wizarding world. And feel free to ignore the lyrics. Now, on to the finale!

* * *

"Hey little bro. What's shaking?"

Ron turned around and saw the identical, roguish grins of Fred and George.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"Hey," said Fred, feigning hurt. "Is that a way to treat your brothers who have done nothing but love you and look out for your best interests?"

"Like hell you do," said Ron. "No, really, what are you doing here?"

"Well, we heard from a little birdie that there will be a talent show in this fine institution and we just wanted to check it out," said George.

"We also heard from said birdie," Fred added, "that you have finally found yourself a girlfriend. And Lavender Brown, no less."

"Not bad for your first girlfriend," said George. "Considering that most Weasley men get theirs by, at most, the age of twelve."

"'Cept Perce, of course," Fred added, truthfully. "He got his first when he was sixteen, too."

"I can't believe you just compared me to Percy," said Ron as the twins broke in raucous laughter. "Remind me to kill Ginny later. And if you've come just to annoy me about Lavender, don't bother. I broke up with her."

At this, the twins stayed silent for a few seconds and then started laughing again. Ron rolled his eyes and waited for the laughter to cease.

"I'm sorry," gasped George, "but that sounds so funny coming from your mouth."

"But, seriously," said Fred, still shaking from all the laughter. "What in the hell were you thinking in dumping a smokin' dish like Lavender Brown?"

"Maybe, Fred," mock-mused George, "ickle Ronniekins has finally realized his true feelings for a certain brown-eyed bookworm. Isn't that right, Ronniekins?"

Before Ron could respond, the lights dimmed and a voice boomed, "Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. The show is about to begin."

After everyone settled down, the voice continued. "Please give it up for our first act, performing a Muggle pop song, Hermione Granger!"

There was a murmur of confusion. Hermione Granger, performing a pop song? The audience was shocked. But no one was more shocked than Ron. His mouth practically hit his lap as the curtain opened, revealing a totally different Hermione than he was used to.

This new Hermione had abandoned her black robes for a pair of tight, tight jeans and a sparkly blue top that showed a lot of...Hermione. Her normally make-up free face was full of the stuff and her normally bushy hair was sleek and straight and pulled up in an elaborate hair style. She was frozen in a pose that could only be described as "sexy," surrounded by a bunch of girls, apparently back-up dancers. As soon as the music started, Hermione and the girls started dancing...veela-like. Too veela-like. Ron felt his jaw hit the floor.

A boy who sort of resembled Lee Jordan walked onto the stage and started rapping:

_What you gon' do with all that junk?  
All that junk inside your trunk?_

Hermione replied with a:

_I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,  
Get you love drunk off my hump.   
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,  
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. Check it out._

"Speaking of the brown-eyed bookworm," said Fred with a whistle. "Hermione Granger, my, how you have _grown_."

"Yeah," George agreed appreciatively. "I'm definitely 'checking it out,' if you know what I mean."

Fred and George weren't the only ones who seemed to be enjoying this spectacle. As the song progressed, more and more of the audience, particularly the male variety, started to become very enthusiastic.

_I drive these scrubbers crazy,  
I do it on the daily,  
They treat me really nicely,  
They buy me all these ice-ys.  
Dolce & Gabbana,  
Fendi and then Donna  
Karen, they be sharin'  
All their money got me wearin'  
Fly gear but I ain't askin,  
They say they love my ass in,  
Se7en Jeans, True Religion,  
I say no, but they keep givin'  
So I keep on takin'  
And no I ain't fakin'  
We can keep on datin'  
I keep on demonstrating.  
My love, my love, my love, my love  
You love my lady lumps,  
My hump, my hump, my hump,  
My humps they got u,  
She's got me spending.  
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.  
She's got me spendin'.   
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, on me, on me_

Unfortunately, unlike the rest of the audience, Ron was not able to get into the show. He was just becoming more and more confused. He just could not understand why Hermione would do something like this. And he could not understand half the stuff she was singing about. What the hell is Dolce and Gabbana? He could not understand any of it. Well, neither could the rest of the audience but they gave up figuring it out a long time ago.

_What you gon' do with all that junk?  
All that junk inside that trunk?  
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,  
Get you love drunk off my hump.  
What u gon' do with all that ass?  
All that ass inside them jeans?  
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream  
Make u scream, make you scream.  
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.  
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)  
_

This time, the boy resembling Lee Jordan had a small rap solo. But with Hermione dancing around him, no one really paid him any attention.

_I met a girl down at the disco.  
She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.  
I could be your baby, you can be my honey  
Lets spend time not money.  
I mix your milk with my Cocoa Puff,  
Milky, milky cocoa,  
Mix your milk with my Cocoa Puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight?_

Ron noticed Hermione was a really good dancer. This made him mad. In fact, everything about the show made him mad. The fact that Hermione was singing about her "humps" like it was no big deal, like she was a...a scarlet woman. The fact that the boy wanted to mix Hermione's milk with his Cocoa Puffs. Whatever Cocoa Puffs were, it didn't sound like a good idea. The fact that every bloke in the audience was, well, you know.

_They say I'm really sexy,  
The boys they wanna sex me.  
They always standing next to me,  
Always dancing next to me,  
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.  
Lookin' at my lump, lump.  
U can look but you can't touch it,  
If u touch it I'ma start some drama,   
You don't want no drama,  
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama   
So don't pull on my hand boy,  
You ain't my man, boy,  
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,  
And move my hump. _

Hermione and the boy repeated the chorus once more before the song was finished. When that happened, the whole audience gave Hermione a standing ovation. By the whole audience, I mean everybody, even the teachers. Even the Slytherins, including Malfoy. Everyone, that is, except for Ron.

Hermione beamed and bowed and blew kisses. As she did so, Ron could have sworn that she made eye contact with him. He also could have sworn that after making eye contact, her smile had gotten noticeably wider. When the next act began, no one really paid much attention. Hermione had just joined the audience and every male student in the audience rushed towards her to hit on, I mean, er, compliment her on her performance. Ron gritted his teeth and got up from his seat to make his way to Hermione. But not to compliment her, of course. He needed to know what the hell was going on. After much jostling, he was finally able to reach her.

"Hey, Ron." Hermione smiled gorgeously, almost teasingly, when Ron poked her on the shoulder.

"I need to talk to you," asked Ron, teeth still gritted.

"Right now, Ron?" said Hermione, laughing on the inside. "It's awfully loud in here. I don't think we'd be able to hear each other."

"That's ok," said Ron. "We could go in another room." And before Hermione could make another mock protest, Ron grabbed her wrist and led her to the room off the Great Hall.

Once in the room, Hermione sat on an armchair and asked coolly, "What's up?"

"What do you mean 'what's up'?" said Ron incredulously. "I should be asking you that! Are you out of your mind? What the hell were you thinking when you did that?"

"When I did what?" said Hermione, faking unawareness.

"God, Hermione," whined Ron, "don't make me spell it out for you."

"Oh, but I will," grinned Hermione devilishly.

Ron groaned. "Fine. What were you thinking when you decided to tryout for the talent show?"

"Um, well," said Hermione, "when I found out Hogwarts was having a talent show, I said to myself, 'Gee, Hermione, you like to dance and you think you're pretty good at it. You should tryout.' Why did you tryout for the Quidditch team, Ron?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "That's totally different."

Only Ron could make some dumb statement that made Hermione furious.

"That's different?" spat Hermione. "Oh, so you and Harry can tryout for whatever you like and its okay but when I do, everyone's like 'what the hell are you thinking, Hermione?' Well, you know what, Ron? You and your bigoted ideas can kiss my arse! Now, if you don't mind, I think I'd rather be in company with people who liked my performance."

Hermione turned to leave but Ron grabbed her arm.

"Hermione, wait," said Ron. In spite of herself, Hermione turned back. "It's not that I didn't like your performance, I just thought it was, well, what I want to know is...Why did you choose _that_ particular song?"

Hermione grinned inwardly. "I liked the beat."

"Yeah, but couldn't you have chosen another song that also had a nice beat but was not as...?" Ron hesitated.

Hermione saved him the awkwardness of saying it. "I could have. But what's it to you?"

Ron was quiet for a few moments, trying to muster up the courage to say what he felt.

"Because I...since when did you start cursing?" he said, genuinely curious but also trying to change the subject.

Hermione practically screamed in frustration. "Since you have started really pissing me off. God, Ron, this has been going on for too long. Will you ever stop being such a bloody coward and just admit that you get jealous whenever someone pays me the slightest bit of attention?"

"Well," argued a scarlet-faced Ron, "if I'm such a bloody coward, then what would that make you? I don't remember you telling me you were jealous when you saw me with Lavender. And don't even try to deny that you weren't."

"Of course I won't deny it," yelled Hermione. "But you knew I was jealous. I mean, wasn't it that your ploy? To make me jealous 'cos of something that happened two years ago with Krum?"

"Well, what was the whole talent show thing for, hmm?" Ron inquired.

"That's not the point," replied Hermione. "You were still jealous first. Why couldn't you tell me back then that you fancied me?"

"I was in the fourth year," bellowed Ron. "Maybe even third. I was an idiot then. Don't respond to that. One minute I saw you as my best friend and the next...I dunno what happened. I had no idea what to do. Besides, why did I have to make the first move? Why not you? Why couldn't _you_ take matters into your own hands, like you always do?"

Hermione opened her mouth, ready to blast out a retort. But when the impact of what Ron had just said hit her, she just grinned. "You're right."

And with that, she marched up to Ron and grabbed his face, pulling him down so they were at eye level. "Chicken." And before _she_ chickened out, she kissed him.

Ron was shocked beyond words. I mean, wouldn't you be if your crush since forever was finally kissing you. Ron just could not believe it and, therefore, did not respond immediately. However, a horrified Hermione mistook Ron's lack of participation as disgust. Luckily, before she got a chance to run for her life, Ron finally got over the shock and returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Hermione and pulling her closer. They stayed like this for a while, both marveling each other and how stupid they have been the past few years. They would have continued on for much longer if Ron hadn't suddenly realized something.

"Hermione."

"Yes?"

"Lavender and I broke up before the talent show."

"And?"

"Well, we could've, you know, talked, and you wouldn't've had to do all this 'talent show' junk."

Hermione smiled. "Oh, but then I would have let so many people down. Ever since the war, people don't even smile anymore. Did you see how happy I made the audience?"

"Oh, ha, ha," said Ron, sarcastically. "But seriously, all those things you sang about? They weren't true, right?"

"Oh, Ron," whispered Hermione seductively, leaning up for another kiss. "I love it when you're jealous."

* * *

nervously biting lip Well...what do you think? 


	5. Alls Well That Ends Well

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Literally. Everything I think I own is technically owned by my parents. I hate being a minor.

A/N: Hee hee, long time, no write. Ok, here's what happened: I meant to update sooner I really did. I wrote the epilogue like ages ago (kind of like how JK Rowling wrote the final chapter of the seventh book, LOL). But I had some fine tuning to do. But the next day, I sort of forgot about it. And the day after that. Pretty soon...thirteen days go by. Funny, no? Don't kill me. But the important thing is, I FINALLY updated.

So, here's a bit of fluff for you. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot but it makes you feel giddy (well, it made me feel giddy...). Ok, I'll stop talking.

* * *

Nearly an hour later, Ron and Hermione were still at it. The euphoria of the first couple of kisses somewhat fading, Hermione began to wonder if they should head back to the Great Hall. Sometime during their little snogfest, Hermione was pushed down on the sofa with Ron...let's just say that they would be in a rather compromising situation if they were caught. When Ron removed his mouth to nuzzle her neck, Hermione took that opportunity to voice her worries. 

"Ron?"

"Hmm?"

"I hate to say this but shouldn't we head back? I mean, people would start to wonder."

"So?"

"So, they might come looking for us. And they might see us like this."

"And this is coming from the girl who sang about her 'humps' in front of the entire school."

Hermione pulled out of his grasp, giving him a McGonagall worthy stare. Ron instantly moved to other side of the sofa.

"Merlin! You know you're scary when you do that?"

This remark rewarded him with an even fiercer stare.

"I-I mean," stuttered Ron. "You're right. People will start to wonder. Gee Hermione, you're so brilliant. You always think of everything." He flashed her a wide grin.

Hermione attempted to keep the stern face but couldn't help it; she let out a snort of laughter. "Cheeky prat," she said as she pulled him up and led him out the door.

Once in the Great Hall, they were greeted with a surprising sight. It appeared that plans for a talent show were completely discarded and replaced with plans for the entire student body to dance with wild abandon to the Wireless Wizarding Network.

"Oh dear, what happened here?"

"I dunno."

In the throng of Hogwarts students (and even some staff members), Ron noticed Lavender dancing with Seamus. Their eyes met. Lavender took that moment to promiscuously rub up against Seamus. Seamus closed his eyes in ecstasy, not noticing Lavender's gaze. Ron responded by grabbing Hermione and giving her a long, deep kiss. Ron looked back at Lavender. She gave him a furious glare and turned her back on him. Ron grinned, satisfied. Hermione, confused by the unexpected kiss, looked in the direction where he was grinning at. She saw Lavender and grinned, too. "Ron, you're an idiot. C'mon, let's go look for Harry."

Not far from Lavender, they spotted both Harry and Ginny dancing together.

"Hey," said Ginny brightly when she saw them. "We were wondering where you lot went off to."

"Seems like you've finally made up," smirked Harry, eyeing their interlaced fingers, disheveled hair and flushed faces. At his comment, their faces became even redder.

"See, Hermione, it worked," said Ginny, grinning broadly. "And you started having doubts."

"Wait, you were involved in the plan, too?" said Ron, shaking his head. "I should have known. And Harry, did you know about it, too?"

"Guilty," Harry grinned, not looking guilty at all.

"Unbelievable," sighed Ron. "My own sister and best friend turned against me."

"Oh, Ron," said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "Such a drama witch. Anyways, what's going on? What happened to the talent show?"

"Well, after Hermione's act," said Harry, eyes twinkling, "which, if I may add, was the one of the sexiest–"

"Get on with it, Potter," growled Ron.

"Alright, alright," laughed Harry. "The rest of the show went kind of downhill. By the third act, which involved a weird bloke from Slytherin singing a Celestina ballad, people started chucking food, yelling 'We want Hermione, we want Hermione!'"– Hermione beamed at this; Ron frowned– "Then someone had the brains to turn on the WWN before it turned into a full-scale riot, so here we are now."

"Well, why couldn't there be a dance in the first place?" said a disgruntled Ron. "We wouldn't've had to go through all this..." He trailed off, glancing at Hermione.

"Oh, Ron," said Hermione, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Honestly. C'mon Ginny, let's go get some punch."

This, of course, was code for "Let's go somewhere away from Ron. I've got so much to tell you! And you need to tell me why you were dancing with Harry!"

Ron must have been thinking along the same lines because as soon as the girls left, Ron gave Harry a suspicious look. Harry looked at him, puzzled.

"Hi?" said Harry, uncertainly.

"Where'd Thomas go?"

Comprehension dawned on Harry. "Listen, I can explain. He and Ginny had a fight or something. She was yelling about how he was being so clingy and then he's like 'Yeah? Well, cling on this' and then he ditches her and the next thing I knew Ginny was dragging me to the dance floor, saying 'Let's dance.' I told her maybe we shouldn't but she just ignores me."

"So, you weren't trying to get fresh with her?"

"What? No! Honestly, mate, we're just friends."

Ron glared at him a while longer then adopted a hopeful look.

"So, does this mean they've broken up?"

"No, I think they're just giving each other space."

"Damn. You know, if she had to date _somebody,_ I'd rather have her date you than Thomas."

Harry brightened. "Really?" But that sounded too eager. "I mean, really."

Ron gave him another suspicious glance. "Yeah, really." He said it as if he doubted it himself.

"So," said Harry, attempting to change the subject. He gave Ron a wink and a nudge with his elbow. "How was it?"

"How was wha– Oh."

A dreamy look came over his face.

"It was..." he hesitated, thinking of the perfect word. "Wet."

Harry looked confused but then realized that Ron meant.

"You git," laughed Harry, punching him on his arm. Ron laughed as well and punched him back. They spent a couple of minutes just laughing and having a sort of male bonding moment thing.

"Looks like you lot are having fun," said Ginny, coming up and handing Ron and Harry glasses of punch.

"Yeah," said Ron, wiping his eyes. "We were having a sort of male bonding moment thing. Hey, where's Hermione?" Ron just noticed that Ginny came back alone.

"Oh," said Ginny, smirking slightly. "Well, we kept getting ambushed by Hermione's new 'fans,' so she told me to go on without her."

"What!" Ron quickly scanned the Hall for Hermione. He finally spotted her talking to Colin Creevey. Rather, he was doing the talking and Hermione was looking noticeably bored. But Ron only saw Creevey making moves on his Hermione. Faster than a Firebolt, he was right beside Hermione. He threw his jacket across her shoulders, slung an arm around her waist and glared at Colin.

"Is there a problem?"

"Oh, Ron. Colin was just telling me about his camera collection."

"Really? Sounds fascinating. Now, Creevey, if I ever see you so much as blink at Hermione, I'd be careful when going to the bathroom if I were you. Understand?"

It took all Hermione had to keep from laughing. Ron always had protective attitude regarding Hermione but _this_ would need some getting used to. What added to her amusement was the look on Colin's face: his eyes were wide and his cheeks were red, head nodding like a bobble head doll. Poor, poor Colin.

"Good. Hermione, dear, you're looking parched. Let's go get some drinks."

Hermione felt it unnecessary to point out that she already had drinks and let Ron lead her anyways. Colin, of course, was left out. The last thing he heard before they disappeared was, "Hermione, I've been wondering this all night. What the hell is Dulce and Gabbana?"

* * *

Sooo...? Review! 


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